Beyond the End
Jan. 4th, 2009 09:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
foalstoryThe Day After and beyond
Two years ago I woke up and could not believe it was real. I, who a year and a half ago had 5 horses, only owned one. ONE. One that still took me a week to get to the barn to go see again.
the flowers
The shock and total NUMBNESS was unlike anything else in my experience, including the overmedication of drugs this summer. But it was real. The flowers staring at me on the kitchen bar and the table were evidence of that. NO ONE sends me flowers. Not quite like …. this.
That day only showed with more flowers and more until I didn't know what to do with them all except clip some buds and let them float in glasses and dishes. The cats knew respect and stayed away from them (thank you darlings).
the blanket
The polar fleece blanket liner he'd worn until a few minutes before the end sat in one of the kitchen chairs, haphazardly folded. The day before I could barely put it down. I had even gone so far as to debate sleeping with it, but the buckles and rings weren't exactly the most comfortable. Yet, I could stand within a foot or to of it and still smell HIM.
In the following days, when I felt TOO numb, I'd pick it up, hug it and bury my face into the fleece, breathing in until I was bawling again. The numbness, was gone. I could feel again.
The plan was to keep the blanket around until it no longer made me cry -- that would be my test on when my grief was gone. But in this case, my grief outlasted nature. If I had it now, I'd still cry. But my the middle of summer, the blanket only smelled like a blanket -- not like Ally, not anymore. So I finally washed it.
And then proceeded to wait a year and a half before I could even consider SELLING it, although I never wanted to use it on Denali or any other horse.
Now, I hate that blanket. That pattern, that design, the colors. It's something I cannot avoid because of the associations. Rarely did we unblanket Ally entirely, so the fleece was what he wore when you could see the changes in him -- how much LESS there was of him, how it draped, how it hollowed out, how his edema still hung below, how the belly strap had to be lengthened to not tighten against the edema, how the body that was fit, masculine, strong, powerful, gorgeous and HEALTHY used to fill out the blanket and how that was so completely ... gone.
grief
Beyond the flowers and blanket, I couldn't deal with the grief. I curled up into a ball on the sofa, on the floor, in my bed. I slept as much as I could, I tried to go online, but even that had it's pain as I shared the news and received so much love and condolences from friends near and afar. I have no words to express the appreciation, but it did well to overwhelm me, until I was bawling again.
cards
Then the CARDS started to arrive. People did this? I suppose that they DO after all else. Two stand out in my mind - one from Alison with her good luck braclet from showing all summer long (which I still have on the gear shift in my car). The other from Sam, a braid of embroidery thread including one strand of General's hair. my gods, what gifts.
All Else
When we still believed he'd live, I'd had my first 'wishlist' but it was for Ally 100%. In the end it was for Denali although I got as many Mrs. Pasture's cookies into Ally as possible. It was hard to spoil Denali and I received so much … I think the ones I grabbed from the tack trunk on Friday were the last of those same cookies (I'm serious, I had close to 50 lbs in the end… Ally ate 15 lbs of them). I should have - realized now - done thank you cards because the offers, the gifts, the support, was *amazing*, but I was in no shape to do more than babble the most heartfelt thank you possible through emails, LJ posts and the phone.
Two years ago I woke up and could not believe it was real. I, who a year and a half ago had 5 horses, only owned one. ONE. One that still took me a week to get to the barn to go see again.
the flowers
The shock and total NUMBNESS was unlike anything else in my experience, including the overmedication of drugs this summer. But it was real. The flowers staring at me on the kitchen bar and the table were evidence of that. NO ONE sends me flowers. Not quite like …. this.
That day only showed with more flowers and more until I didn't know what to do with them all except clip some buds and let them float in glasses and dishes. The cats knew respect and stayed away from them (thank you darlings).
the blanket
The polar fleece blanket liner he'd worn until a few minutes before the end sat in one of the kitchen chairs, haphazardly folded. The day before I could barely put it down. I had even gone so far as to debate sleeping with it, but the buckles and rings weren't exactly the most comfortable. Yet, I could stand within a foot or to of it and still smell HIM.
In the following days, when I felt TOO numb, I'd pick it up, hug it and bury my face into the fleece, breathing in until I was bawling again. The numbness, was gone. I could feel again.
The plan was to keep the blanket around until it no longer made me cry -- that would be my test on when my grief was gone. But in this case, my grief outlasted nature. If I had it now, I'd still cry. But my the middle of summer, the blanket only smelled like a blanket -- not like Ally, not anymore. So I finally washed it.
And then proceeded to wait a year and a half before I could even consider SELLING it, although I never wanted to use it on Denali or any other horse.
Now, I hate that blanket. That pattern, that design, the colors. It's something I cannot avoid because of the associations. Rarely did we unblanket Ally entirely, so the fleece was what he wore when you could see the changes in him -- how much LESS there was of him, how it draped, how it hollowed out, how his edema still hung below, how the belly strap had to be lengthened to not tighten against the edema, how the body that was fit, masculine, strong, powerful, gorgeous and HEALTHY used to fill out the blanket and how that was so completely ... gone.
grief
Beyond the flowers and blanket, I couldn't deal with the grief. I curled up into a ball on the sofa, on the floor, in my bed. I slept as much as I could, I tried to go online, but even that had it's pain as I shared the news and received so much love and condolences from friends near and afar. I have no words to express the appreciation, but it did well to overwhelm me, until I was bawling again.
cards
Then the CARDS started to arrive. People did this? I suppose that they DO after all else. Two stand out in my mind - one from Alison with her good luck braclet from showing all summer long (which I still have on the gear shift in my car). The other from Sam, a braid of embroidery thread including one strand of General's hair. my gods, what gifts.
All Else
When we still believed he'd live, I'd had my first 'wishlist' but it was for Ally 100%. In the end it was for Denali although I got as many Mrs. Pasture's cookies into Ally as possible. It was hard to spoil Denali and I received so much … I think the ones I grabbed from the tack trunk on Friday were the last of those same cookies (I'm serious, I had close to 50 lbs in the end… Ally ate 15 lbs of them). I should have - realized now - done thank you cards because the offers, the gifts, the support, was *amazing*, but I was in no shape to do more than babble the most heartfelt thank you possible through emails, LJ posts and the phone.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-05 01:51 am (UTC)I hope that when it does I'm surrounded by caring people as well.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-05 04:08 am (UTC)it STILL surprises me ...
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-05 02:15 pm (UTC)