the path to angel wings

[foalstory]

January 3rd, 2007.

I couldn't get to the clinic soon enough or late enough. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I did want photos. Whatever semblance of mind I had left on this date, I had sense enough to grab the point & shoot and the mini tripod that I could strap onto a fence or some such. I'd done the same for Dot the day or two before I put her down and I knew how much those photos had helped.

What I didn't expect was that even now, two years later, the photos are like a kick in the gut and hurt like hell. But this is part of my healing and grief process, so I'm going to do the most difficult step:


tired and done

too thin


goodbye








last one ever:


I didn't know what else to do, but I waited until I was almost impatient, but in a dread-filled way. I wanted to let him go, let him be free. But goddamned it hurt.

Dr. Hammer finished up his morning rounds and came to find me. He handled everything very well -- I let him know that I'd done this before and wanted to be there. He was a bit surprised at that, but accepting. I just asked him what he needed from me (holding the head, etc) and to tell me when he put the final drugs in so that I'd Know.

I hadn't even thought of it, but we needed to unblanket Ally. I hadn't seen him without at least the fleece sheet since Idaho and it was terrifying. Utterly terrifying. The Edema was like a parasite, sucking all meat/flesh from his bones until he was a skeleton. His body had liquefied into the Edema, which hung from his belly and underside in a truly grotesque way. His legs were finally totally unwrapped, but walking was difficult with the fluid tightening up the skin around his joints. I was seeing bones in Ally that I didn't know existed, that I didn't know COULD be seen without a skeletal model in front of you, such as you often find at vet schools.

We walked to the back of the property to a patch of ground (frozen, we had no choice) where we were out of sight from the rest of the clinic and any other clients and patients.

I stood at Ally's head, remembering how Dot had stumbled backwards, fighting the drugs and we had worked to make sure she landed gracefully on the ground. You need the side of the horse with the catheter in the neck to be the side that lands 'up' in case you need to give more drugs. Horrid, but true.

Dr. Hammer injected a combination of drugs -- I'd asked to make sure there were painkillers and sedatives in there galore. Those alone probably ended up being enough to kill him, the euthanasia juice was a mere afterthought.

Ally went down fast. The entire process was horribly fast, but with his heart so weakened, it barely took anything at all for him to pass on. It was definitely too fast for me, but nothing could make me 'ready' for this.

Ally went down easily at least, and I was at his head and side the entire way down, telling him it was okay and then stroking him, fuzzy fur over flesh over bones. He was probably gone before he even hit the ground, Dr. Hammer said. However I stayed with him until the body's responses were done (they keep breathing and the heart *usually* beats a few more times), closed his eyes with my hand and just bawled.

While I was stroking Ally and waiting for that last breathe, I remember looking up and noticing a slow drip from the box next to us. Testimony to how far gone I was, this didn't even phase me. It was a large debris cart and it was blood dripping out -- this was where the dead horses were put and why we were putting Ally down right next to where a forklift or tractor would scoop him up later and drop in his remains. Not even a blip on the emotional radar, it just was what it was. I was that far gone.

I stood. We removed his halter. Dr. Hammer asked if I wanted any hair or such -- I'd already taken some, because I wanted to snip while he was alive, not dead. I turned and walked away.

Ally was now my angel.

Comments

[rhiannonjk.livejournal.com]

Oh Leah, I know this was the part that you said, at the time, you never wanted to write about (or something like that). I hope you are getting closure from all of this.

(on a different note - did you do anything with the snip of tail? I have some of a particular beast I just parted with... sitting in the floor of my car...)

[foalstory.livejournal.com]

I've a length of tail hair, forelock, as well as mane. All three are braided (separately) and in the box you got me :) going to do another post about that box since it was a year later.

:) *hugs*

[thumpystowaway.livejournal.com]

aw, i still have valle's mane in my tack trunk.

the special ones are with us forever

[blauereiterin.livejournal.com]

how awful :( i remember when you first posted the pics just crying and crying. i don't know how you went through that-you're so strong!

[foalstory.livejournal.com]

I did what I had to do? you know you'd do the same -- ok ok so freaking out and crying is normal but you still DO what you have to do.

[xihateyourx.livejournal.com]

oh leah, *hug*
THIS makes me want to go and hug my horses and never ever take them for granted.

[foalstory.livejournal.com]

please do. one thing I learned was to NEVER take them for granted -- one day I'm making HUGE progress in dressage (even if it was odd he was mellow and not stepping out...) and getting excited about eventing next year and then he wasn't quite right, then he was sick but cureable and then ... gone.

I think WTF would summarize that entire experience. much of the internal conflict was a 'WAIT! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!' feeling.

[markdbytrademrk.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I totally understand that feeling, Leah. Healthy... then sick... all of a sudden. That's how it was with Calvin. It's all so hard to fathom.

Yes, xihateyourx, never take them for granted.

[nattie-dino.livejournal.com]

~hugs~

Ive been reading all your posts and this one made me cry :(

[foalstory.livejournal.com]

well, it was a bit of the harshest post I did. I talked a bit about it, but not the horror or the sheer state he was in. His body gave up before his spirit did, but in the end -- he knew too. It was time to go and fly.

[cryslea.livejournal.com]

I agree. Just the thought of losing someone so close... it makes me fear the day I will lose my dog. I hope I can give her the gift of a dignified death as you did for Ally.

[celticravenwolf.livejournal.com]

I can't even read this entry right now. I read the first little bit, but once I got through the pictures I was on the verge of crying at work, so I'll have to read the rest later.

They are beautiful pictures. So full of emotion.

[foalstory.livejournal.com]

I was silently bawling at work while I wrote this -- my home computer is a bit jacked up so hard to post from home :S fortunately no one noticed.

*hugs*

[celticravenwolf.livejournal.com]

Okay! Everyone's gone, and without the shock of those last moments photos I could read the rest without dropping tears (I'm not much of a crier to begin with).

I'm so glad that you stayed to the end. I know that it's a personal choice and that some people can't handle it, but I'm so glad that you did. To me, it's one of the most important things that we can do for them. I'll never forget the first animal that my family had to put down, my cat Snowball (hey, I was only 8 and that's what the cousins I got him from had named him). When I was 16 he had to be put down and I was brought to the vet's to say goodbye (he had been at the vet's for several days because of his condition). I wanted to be there when they gave him the drugs, but my dad nor the vet thought it would be a good idea so they made me leave. I'll never forget how happy Snowball was to see me, this cat who rarely showed emotion. I'll never forget how he cried when they took him away. All I could think about was how stressed he was at the vet's, evident in how much he was shedding, and how much more stressful it must have been to have seen us for so short a time and then to be taken away again.

I regretted it for a long, long time, and swore to myself that I would never let another one of my animals die alone. I've been there for two of them now, and as much as it hurts to let them go, there's something in being there for them, to comfort them and give them the gift of peace.

[http://users.livejournal.com/blitzen_/]

*hugs*

i think there's some closure too, being there. i haven't been in that situation yet, but i hope i can do the same thing for my animals & family - try to be there so they know they are loved.

[celticravenwolf.livejournal.com]

Closure, that's a good way to put it. Honestly, I think it's a beautiful thing, euthanasia. I hate to sound cliche and say that it's so peaceful, but it really is. And it helps when you know that you've tried your best and that it's the best thing for them.

[lurath]

Ugh. I'm crying now too... this is bringing back memories of Putting Maple to sleep. He was my love for 17 years. And he didn't fight it at all either. I was expecting him to gasp and twitch like the vet warned me and I had seen hundreds of time with mice being euthanized. But he didn't fight it at all. In a way that makes me feel like I made the right decision because when he was healthy he would launch himself at vets and try and rip their faces off... he was such a badass with everyone but me.
And on another note I just DON'T understand how people choose not to be there when they put their companions down. The vet was all surprised when I didn't want to leave. It just... baffles me and hurts me.

[donnajean2277.livejournal.com]

I don't have words for this. I'm crying. I'm sorry.

[markdbytrademrk.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* If only it got easier, right? What a hard, hard decision it is, but how right, too. Ally is your angel. We never stop missing them, and they never stop looking down on us.

[harnessphoto.livejournal.com]

I am bawling. *huge hugs*

[dimestorejesus.livejournal.com]

I wish I could give you a hug. :(

More, I wish it would help.

[http://users.livejournal.com/blitzen_/]

i remember these photos from before. somehow it's very powerful seeing them now and reading your story with them now that you've had time to reflect.

i'm so sorry you lost your mate. like someone said above, i hope that writing this & reliving it helps make the passage of time easier for you.

[darkmaya.livejournal.com]

Oh, hurts. Brings back my own memories. hurts, hurts, hurts.

It sucks so fucking bad. Im so sorry Leah.

[wastedmouthfull.livejournal.com]

I bawled..... I dont do that much.

[irishshowjumper.livejournal.com]

Oh I just read all these entries about Ally and bawled. I don't know how you got through it, I'm so so sorry. It really opens your eyes about taking horses for granted, which I definitely do. I hope writing about this is helping you deal with your grief, I know it must be very difficult. *hugs*

[skye-ds.livejournal.com]

*hugs* *crying*